Assertiveness and Boundaries: How to Communicate Your Needs Without Feeling Harsh (How to Set Healthy Boundaries)

Healthy communication starts with calm, respectful conversations—just like this.

Understanding Assertiveness and Boundaries: Teaching vs. Taming

When people first start learning about boundaries, they often get stuck in negative narratives like:

• "If I set a boundary, I'll sound mean."

• "If I say that, people will think I'm selfish."

• "If I say how I really feel, people will reject me."

Sound familiar? The truth is, when you level up your boundary-setting skills, it's usually more about providing feedback than delivering a hard "no." People often imagine that setting boundaries means being forceful and overly assertive. But in reality, assertive communication is often calm, clear, and kind.

At Limestone Clinic in Kingston, we frequently help clients navigate these concerns through assertiveness therapy and boundary-setting counselling. Our approach is all about learning how to communicate needs in a way that feels authentic and respectful.

Teaching vs. Taming: What’s the Difference?

When it comes to boundaries and assertiveness, we like to break down communication into two approaches: Teaching and Taming. Knowing when to use each approach is key to setting healthy boundaries.

Teaching: Providing Feedback and Setting Healthy Boundaries

"Teaching" is about offering someone feedback and guiding them toward healthier interactions. It involves clearly explaining your needs and making reasonable requests for change. This approach is most effective when the other person is likely to be receptive and open to adjusting their behavior.

Examples of Teaching:

• "The way you tried to teach me that was too quick. Can you go through it again a little slower?"

• "When I come home and you immediately start asking me a bunch of questions, I feel overstimulated. Could you give me five minutes to transition into being home before we dive into conversation?"

The goal of Teaching is to make your needs clear in a calm, constructive way. But how well this works depends on several factors:

• How has the person treated your needs in the past?

• What’s their current mood or mindset?

• Is this a good time to bring it up?

Trying to teach someone who isn’t willing to learn often leads to resentment and frustration. Recognizing when someone is teachable versus when they’re not is a key skill.

Limestone Clinic offers boundary-setting counselling.

Teaching involves providing feedback in a calm and constructive way

Taming: Assertiveness in Difficult Conversations

"Taming" is what you use when the other person is being aggressive, disrespectful, or simply unwilling to engage in a meaningful conversation. Picture Chris Pratt trying to calm down velociraptors in Jurassic Park—it’s about managing the moment to protect your well-being.

How do you tame a situation? By being simple, direct, and firm:

• "This conversation is getting too intense. We need to wrap it up now."

• "I’d like to restart this conversation when you’re calm. Let’s take ten minutes and try again."

With taming, less is more. Avoid over-explaining or justifying yourself. Just state what you need, clearly and without apology.

Taming means being direct and firm to protect your own well-being.

Switching Between Teaching and Taming

The beauty of these two approaches is that you’re never locked into one. You can start with Teaching and shift to Taming if the other person becomes unresponsive or hostile. This flexibility is a higher-level communication skill that comes with practice and confidence.

And remember—being assertive doesn’t mean being harsh. It means knowing your needs, communicating them clearly, and standing by them when necessary.

Need Help Improving Your Assertiveness Skills?

Struggling to tell when to teach or tame? Therapy can help. We work with individuals across Kingston who want to strengthen their assertive communication skills and build better boundaries in their relationships.

Reach out to us at hello@limestone.clinic or 613-877-4148 to book a consultation with one of our trained therapists.

You’ve got this. And if you need a little extra help along the way? We’re here for you. Peruse our trained therapists to order an a-la-carte therapy program that's just right for you!