Boundary setting is a topic I discuss with almost all of my clients for one reason or another. Setting clear boundaries is an efficient way to both communicate your needs and have them met.
For the record, boundaries are not burdensome or manipulative to others, nor are they about telling others what to do. It’s simply communicating your self-awareness and expectations to others. While it’s simple to explain, it’s not necessarily a simple accomplishment. Though it may be a challenge, learning how to set and implement clear boundaries is a risk worthy of the reward.
Types of Boundary Setters
First of all, you need to recognize what type of boundary setter you are:
Rigid or Disengaged
This tends to be the “my way or the highway” kind of individual who—either purposely or without realizing it—violates the rights of others and prioritizes their own needs.
Passive or Enmeshed
This person usually has a difficult time expressing their needs and then, without realizing it, violates their own rights as others' needs become their priority. They may have a hard time making choices and often leave it up to others to make the choice. For example, a friend asks what you want to eat. You know you want a hamburger, but instead, you disarm your opportunity to choose with a statement like: “It doesn’t matter to me, you choose.” Alternatively, this type of boundary setting is evident from behaviors like not speaking up when something bothers you.
Healthy Boundary Setter
These individuals tend to respect both their own and others’ needs, opinions, and rights and are clear about how they can be separate. It's about balancing what they are willing versus not willing to do.
Signs of Not Setting Healthy Boundaries
If you are intrigued by this post, you may be trying to tolerate rigid boundary setters or are yourself a passive boundary setter.
Still not sure? That’s okay! Here is a list of behaviors I usually hear about when people are having difficulty in setting or maintaining boundaries:
Doing things for others that you don’t want to do
Avoiding other people
Feeling hopeless and powerless
Self-doubt/second-guessing yourself
Being angry with yourself and others
Being passive-aggressive
Procrastinating
Avoiding bringing things up when you feel that it will be a difficult conversation
Concerns About Setting Boundaries
While learning how to set boundaries is not an easy task, it is a worthwhile and beneficial skill! We often engage in our behaviors out of habit, as at some point the action was useful (or at least our brain perceives it as so), so now it’s a process of overriding that habit and engaging in new behaviors or skills.
The following are common fears I hear when discussing boundary setting with clients:
Conflict—possibly starting a “fight/argument”
Failure
Disapproval from others—like someone will not like you, someone will think you’re the “bad guy,” or you may lose relationships
Hurting people’s feelings
Making a mistake/not doing it “right”
Being embarrassed or ashamed
Feeling inferior or stupid
Not wanting to inconvenience others
Harassment
Punishment/repercussions
Fear of success
People who experience difficulty in setting boundaries sometimes feel like they are telling others what to do. This is not the case unless you’re enforcing very rigid boundaries without any flexibility. However, when we learn how to use assertiveness skills in the right way, it is more about educating people on how to best meet our needs.
What we don’t often realize is that once we set a boundary, we are letting go of the outcome. This is a significant difference between boundary setting and manipulation. In manipulation, we are telling people things, expecting and demanding that we will gain control over them. When we let go of the outcome, we understand that the other person has the choice of whether or not to change. We, however, are taking care of ourselves by doing what we have to for ourselves if the other person’s behavior doesn’t change.
A Script for Setting Boundaries
So how on earth do we do this!? Well, I like to suggest a structure when working on developing assertiveness skills. The script I usually recommend is:
“When ______ [this happens]. It makes me feel ____________[insert feeling words here]. Instead/next time could you ___________ [insert observable feedback here]. If this happens, I believe it would [insert positive payoff for the other person]. If this continues, I will have to _________[what you are going to do here, making sure it's realistic and something you will actually follow through on].”
Here is an example of this structure in action:
Keep in mind that when you are learning this skill, there are sometimes layers to it. This is when you set a boundary and it leads to another boundary. When first practicing this skill, some people allow it to feel like a mic drop moment—because it can be so empowering. However, there might be more to it and I do not want you to get discouraged if it does not play out like the mic drop moment we had hoped for.
General Tips for Practicing Assertiveness Skills
Make sure that you are calm to communicate effectively.
Understand there are differences between an in-the-moment boundary—when something happens that you want to talk about right away; a setting the stage boundary—when you want to set up how something will be going forward, or communicating your expectations for the future; or a reflection—after taking time and realizing this is something you want to discuss with someone.
When?—is it a good time to bring up the conversation? For example, let’s try not to talk about things when you are tired or cranky or right when someone walks in the door from work.
How?—use the tone of being curious and teaching, rather than demanding or stern—unless necessary.
Where?—have the talk in a neutral place where no one feels attacked. For instance, bring things up when out for a walk or at a place that feels neutral.
Use observable, rather than interpretable language. For instance, asking someone for help may mean different things to each person; whereas, if I ask someone to make things easier for me by doing the dishes three times a week.
Getting Started with Assertiveness Skills and Therapy to Help with Boundaries
I am not going to pretend that this article provides all the solutions to learning how to set boundaries and how to excel in communication; however, it can be a great place to start.
I am hopeful this blog post has sparked your curiosity or confidence for learning how to set boundaries that are more in line with meeting your needs. While there are a lot of good tips on how to improve your communication, if you want to work on this skill in a more in-depth manner, I encourage you to reach out to Limestone Clinic. At Limestone Clinic, you can receive therapy to help with boundaries and be matched with someone who can best support you! If you just want to check in about communication skills or being assertive, and a weekly therapy commitment doesn’t seem appropriate for you, book a walk-in session and let’s work on this together!
Stay tuned for more helpful information from your experienced Registered Psychotherapist author, Taylor Jackson, by following our blog to see Part 2 of her series on Assertiveness and Boundaries.
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