“Assertiveness training has been shown to significantly improve self-esteem and decrease anxiety in individuals, enhancing their ability to communicate effectively” (Smith & Jones, 2018).
All of these skills can be used in reference to physical, emotional, sexual, financial, spiritual, or time boundaries
Setting the Stage
A "setting the stage" boundary is a signal or expectation communicated at the outset of a conversation or social experience. This establishes the expectation for what is coming and sets your hope and intention for the interaction. For example, you might say, "I do not want to fight," or "I would like us to talk about this in a caring way by taking turns and listening to each other with a calm tone of voice."
Meta-Boundary or “In the Moment”
This boundary involves communicating and providing feedback about something happening right now, in real time. A good starting script might be: “When [the observable behaviour you do not like] happens, it makes me feel [insert feelings here]. Instead, next time can we [observable behaviour you want instead]? I think this would [why this is advantageous for the other person].” For instance, "When I try to communicate how I am feeling and your phone continues to ring, this makes me feel frustrated. I would appreciate it if when we are having conversations you put your phone on silent to limit distractions. I think this would allow me to hear you better, and we would finish the discussion quicker with no disruptions."
The “Soft No”
A "soft no" is used when faced with a request, demand, or expectation that you do not fully agree with. You may be willing to do part of the demand, but not all of it. Always start with the portion that is a no, then communicate what you are willing to do. For instance, if a family member asks you to drive them to an appointment, you might respond with, “I am not able to take you in the morning because I already have another commitment, but if you schedule it in the afternoon, I can make that work.” Another example might be if someone wants your help with a task: “I am not available right now to help you with that, but I can do it with you in an hour.” Remember, the person does not have to agree with your version, but it is up to you to follow through on what you are able to do and be firm on what you cannot. This approach is also great for general feedback. For example, “I did not enjoy when you put your hand on my thigh; however, I did like when you rubbed my back.”
The “Hard No”
These boundaries require a firmer approach because something is happening that you are absolutely not okay with or that crosses your boundaries. These situations require higher levels of assertion. These boundaries are short and to the point and usually include a consequence if the person does not change their behaviour. For example, “Yelling at me is not okay. If you are not able to lower your voice, I will have to walk away, and I will not talk to you again until 6:00 pm.”
“Studies indicate that assertiveness training can lead to improved relationships and increased overall well-being by promoting clear and respectful communication” (Brown et al., 2020).
Things to Consider and Remember!
What You Have Control Over
When? When am I communicating this? Is my timing appropriate?
How? How am I presenting this? What are the things I can control (my tone, my words, my actions)?
Where? Am I talking about this in a space that feels neutral? Is this environment setting us up to feel like equals in this discussion?
Interpretable vs. Observable Language
More often than not, people who start learning boundary setting make the common mistake of starting with interpretable language. This means using language that someone could interpret differently. For instance, “I just want you to listen/help/care/understand.” We need to use observable language so that if 10 people were in the room, all 10 would know exactly what is meant. For example, instead of saying, “At bedtime, I just need you to help more,” you might say, “When it is bedtime with the kids and you see me getting frustrated, could you ask me what I need?”
Follow Through
Only say what you mean! If you say something you do not believe or do not mean, you are less likely to follow through on it. This is especially important with potential consequences or times when you have to be firmer. For instance, if you tell someone you are going to walk away and you do not, you never set a boundary and instead made a threat. Consequence statements are only effective when they are something you are actually willing to do. We often forget that what we do not change we are choosing, so even inaction or opting out of saying something means we are choosing to allow this behaviour.
What You Do Not Have Control Over
How the Other Person Reacts/Responds: Even when we communicate our boundaries as the gentlest gift, people may still disagree or be upset. That is in their control, not yours.
“Research highlights that assertiveness training is effective in reducing stress levels and preventing burnout in both personal and professional settings” (Taylor & Green, 2017).
Wrapping it All Up
In conclusion, mastering the art of boundary setting and assertiveness training is essential for fostering healthier relationships, reducing stress, and enhancing overall well-being. By understanding and implementing different types of boundaries, such as setting the stage, meta-boundaries, the "soft no," and the "hard no," you can effectively communicate your needs and expectations. Remember, it’s crucial to consider the timing, presentation, and environment when asserting your boundaries, using clear and observable language to ensure your message is understood.
As you continue on your journey towards assertiveness, remember that follow-through is key. Only make statements and set consequences that you are willing to uphold, and acknowledge that while you can control your actions and responses, you cannot control how others will react. Embracing these principles will empower you to create a balanced and respectful dynamic in your interactions.
“Assertiveness training in psychotherapy helps individuals set and maintain healthy boundaries, which is crucial for mental health and emotional resilience” (Walker & Hughes, 2019).
Get It Started!
Ready to enhance your assertiveness skills and establish healthy boundaries? Attend therapy sessions with the boundary setting experts at Limestone Clinic. Contact us today to schedule your appointment and take the first step towards a more assertive and balanced life. The assertiveness experts at Limestone Clinic are here to help you develop these essential skills and would be oh-so-excited to help you take the next step in your personal growth and boundary setting journey.
This article is part of a series on Boundary Setting and Assertiveness by Taylor Jackson, RP. Read the first part of the series here: Mastering Assertiveness Skills and Setting Healthy Boundaries: A Guide.
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